


A Tackle, In Retrospect

by whataqueerfish



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Big Soulmate Energy, Domestic, M/M, Phil's POV, giving the people what they want, in depth video analysis lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 14:03:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19358482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whataqueerfish/pseuds/whataqueerfish
Summary: What was going on in Phil's head as they filmed their "Giving The People What They Want" video, particularly, when they reacted to PINOF 1.





	A Tackle, In Retrospect

**Author's Note:**

> two years after i thought i was over these two dan hits me with basically i'm gay and i just had to

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

 

“Yes Phil, it’ll be fine. It’s just for a video, it’s no big deal.”

 

“Should we talk about what we’re going to say?”

 

“Just go along with what I say. It’ll be fine, Phil. Stop making such a big deal out of this.”

 

Phil watched as his boyfriend looked up into the camera and snapped his fingers. The video had begun.

 

“Hello, Internet. So, Dan and Phil in 2018, eh? What’s that about, am I right?”

 

_Is that really the smartest way to start the video?_ Phil wondered. He was already getting nervous.

 

This whole thing was Dan’s idea. He thought it would be pretty funny if, to advertise for their upcoming tour, they made a video where they played off of the theme of their tour and “gave the people what they want.” Dan had even gone on Twitter and asked people what they would like to see him and Phil do, which, as many people pointed out, was maybe not the smartest idea.

 

In the end, though, they’d managed to find some PG suggestions, like recreating their Day in the Life video in Manchester, and getting Phil to swear (although that one might be more PG-13).

 

But one particular suggestion that Dan surprisingly didn’t veto was for them to react to the first Phil Is Not On Fire. Dan had said that since so many people requested it, it would be suspicious of them to not do it. Phil had retorted that a lot of people had also asked them to do other, more Not Suitable For Work things, but that didn’t mean they would have to do those.

 

And if Phil was being completely honest, doing those NSFW things on camera with Dan might actually feel less exposing than rewatching that first PINOF video. They had filmed that video not long after they’d met in real life for the first time, and in those days, they had expected, at most, a couple thousand people to see it.

 

But the video blew up, and their careers blew up, and for a while, their personal lives blew up. And even though at the time they filmed PINOF 1, they’d had the awareness to edit out all the spontaneous kisses and the blatantly flirtatious banter that accompanied the bloom of their new romance, they were still way more intimate and carefree on camera than they were these days.

 

Phil hadn’t seen PINOF 1 in years, and he didn’t even know how he would react to it _privately_ if he were to see it again, much less in front of a camera.

 

But Dan had insisted that they did it. “Besides, it’ll be fun seeing how far we’ve come. It’ll make for a good existential reflection segment.”

 

So now, here they were, sitting side by side on Phil’s bed, ready to click start on Phil Is Not On Fire 1.

 

And so far it was going well. They were able to crack some jokes about how the video was the origin of Dan and Phil.

 

Then, Dan said, “What started off as just you doing a Q&A, I was just there as a guest reading the questions.”

 

“And look what happened,” Phil chimed in.

 

“All this shit happened. What a mistake.”

 

Phil laughed, because he knew Dan was joking. But he can’t deny that hearing those words come out of Dan’s mouth still stung a little.

 

“Don’t call it a mistake,” he said, still laughing, but now looking at Dan to see if he was actually serious. He knew Dan wasn’t, but still.

 

“We should go back in time and stop it from happening,” Dan continued, but he was now grinning as well, so Phil concluded that Dan was just trying to be edgy by saying provocative things.

 

Besides, Phil knew he and Dan both agreed that meeting each other was the best thing that had ever happened to either of them.

 

They clicked start on the video.

 

“We looked so young!” Phil exclaimed. Seeing his and Dan’s younger selves on the screen, Phil was instantly transported back to his old bedroom on that fateful day. He remembered every detail, how rough the carpet felt with them sitting on the floor, how chilly it was with autumn creeping in through the windows, how nice Dan smelled sitting so close to him.

 

But other than experiencing a wave of nostalgia, watching the video really wasn’t that bad. Unlike Dan, Phil wasn’t too ashamed of his emo past. Looking at his younger self now, he wasn’t so much cringing, as just reminiscing about a simpler time.

 

As him and Dan both took turns cracking jokes about the video, Phil thought to himself, _This is going well. Dan’s right, maybe this isn’t such a big deal._

 

And then there it was. That infamous tackle. Phil started panicking. He laughed nervously. Should they talk about it? Should they even address it? They couldn’t _not_ talk about it, that’d be way too obvious. Everyone who had Tweeted them to react to PINOF 1 did it because they wanted him and Dan to address _the tackle_.

 

But before Phil could even react, Dan jumped in. “Okay, wait a minute. Pause, pause.”

 

_Oh, okay. So we’re cutting this part out_ , Phil thought, partly relieved. But then Dan carried on, “Can we talk about that moment?”

 

Phil didn’t know what Dan was planning, but managed an enthusiastic “Yes!” for the camera anyway.

 

And then Dan turned to him. “Why did you do that?”

 

_What?_ What did Dan mean, why did he do that? Had he forgotten the kiss that followed the tackle, how exciting it felt to finally be able to touch each other after years of seeing each others’ blurry faces through computer screens? Had he forgotten the exhilaration, the rush, how they lay on the floor laughing in each others’ arms until they had forgot the camera was even rolling? Why did he tackle Dan? How was he even supposed to respond to that?

 

“I thought, I mean, you weren’t expecting it,” Phil stammered, and instantly berated himself for the poor excuse.

 

“That hurt - look at the impact!” Dan exclaimed, and complained about how he could’ve hit his head on Phil’s dresser.

 

_What is Dan even going on about?_ Phil knew Dan had found the tackle hilarious at the time, so why is he acting like he didn’t like it now? Honestly, sometimes he just didn’t understand Dan. He knew they had talked about keeping their relationship private, especially after the disaster of a year that was 2012. But it was almost like lately, Dan had been going the extra mile to draw attention away from their relationship, to the point of sometimes even mocking or disparaging it. And these little asides, like calling PINOF 1 a “mistake” earlier, which typically, Phil would just brush off as meaningless jokes, seemed to be starting to carry more weight than usual… at least as far as Phil’s concerned, seeing as Dan seemed to love changing the topic whenever Phil brought up the subject of their relationship lately.

 

And now, with this tour they’re going on in a few weeks, things are even more uncertain. Are they just going to revert back to their same old TATINOF pattern, always booking separate hotel rooms or asking for two twin beds in case anything shows up in the backgrounds of their videos, and then sneaking into each other’s arms at night, two fully grown, taller than average men squeezed into a single twin bed just to set up 15 minutes of video footage?

 

And sure, Phil can’t deny there was a certain kind of adrenaline rush to sneaking around back then, a sense of danger and security all at once. Yes, they might get caught at any moment, but as long as they never publicly address their relationship, they could protect what was _theirs_. They could have the freedom to move house, or go out to dinner, without paparazzi and rabid fans trying to hunt them down.

 

But dammit, Phil’s in his _thirties_ now. Sometimes he just wants to hold his boyfriend’s hand in public, or not have to pretend to look weirded out whenever Dan stares at him with heart eyes on camera. Is that really too much to ask?

 

But right now, Dan and Phil were filming a video, and it was no time for serious talk. So as Dan accused him of having ulterior motives in his tackle, Phil just blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “It was funny!”

 

“ _Funny?_ ” Dan stared at him incredulously.

 

And so the video went on. After the reaction segment, they wore each others’ clothes, did couple’s yoga (without ever actually calling it couple’s yoga), and played with a dog. It was all very wholesome, and Phil reverted back to his happy, carefree persona, and gave the people what they wanted.

 

But throughout it all, there was a tiny voice in the back of Phil’s head wondering if _he’ll_ ever get what he wants, and, what that even is.

 

**********************************************

 

“You coming to bed?” Phil stood at the doorway of his bedroom.

 

“Maybe later,” Dan replied from the couch without looking up from his laptop. “Still gotta confirm a couple venues for the tour.”

 

Phil looked at Dan, wrapped in a blanket and curls in a disarray.

 

“Dan, you should get some sleep. You can do that stuff tomorrow.”

 

Dan looked up and gave Phil a small smile. “I really can’t. Besides, I’m not tired. You go on ahead. Don’t wait up.”

 

Dan gave him a bigger, more reassuring smile, so Phil turned and went into the bedroom.

 

A long time later Phil opened his eyes and found himself staring up at a dark ceiling. Something had awoken him, but he wasn’t sure what. He wasn’t having any nightmares, and he didn’t have to use the bathroom.

 

He reached out and felt cold empty sheets beside him. He frowned. Dan really shouldn’t be pushing himself this hard. He had a bad habit of neglecting his own mental health whenever he gets busy making videos or working on projects.

 

Phil climbed out of bed and rubbed his eyes blearily as he headed towards the living room. “Dan, come on. I know you’re stressed about the tour but you should really-“

 

Phil looked up. Dan was sitting in almost the exact same spot as before, except his laptop was now shut and lying beside him, and he had his knees drawn up to his chest, and there were tears streaming down his face.

 

“Dan, what’s wrong?” Phil whispered, standing frozen to the spot.

 

Dan just kept staring ahead at a candle burning on the windowsill, its flame fizzling out as its wick reaches its end.

 

“Dan, please, talk to me.” Phil walked over slowly, his own eyes starting to fill with tears of panic.

 

“imsorry.”

 

“What?” Phil sat down next to Dan.

 

“I’m sorry, Phil. I really am.” Dan looked at him with bloodshot eyes.

 

“Why are you sorry?”

 

Dan broke the eye contact. More tears rolled down his cheeks.

 

“I’m so fucking stupid.”

 

“No, you’re not. Don’t say that.”

 

“I am. I’m a fucking idiot. And a coward.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Phil, we’ve been together for, what, ten years? And I still can’t sit in front of a camera and tell a bunch of strangers that we’re not just friends, we’re not just roommates. Phil, you’re the love of my life. You-you’re like my _soulmate_. And it’s 2018, and we live in London, so why can’t I just fucking…”

 

Dan has now stood up. “I’m such a shitty boyfriend. You don’t deserve this.” He starts to walk towards the front door.

 

Phil blocked his path. “Where do you think you’re going? It’s the middle of the night.”

 

Dan didn’t try to step around him, didn’t even try to protest. He just turned around and sat down at the dining table. He had stopped crying, and was just staring ahead with a tired expression.

 

“This whole tour was a mistake. “Giving the people what they want”. Please, we all know what the people really want. And I can’t give it to them.”

 

Phil sat down at the table across from him. It felt strange. They didn’t sit at the dining table often. Whenever they ate, they always sat next to each other on the couch, with a show or an anime playing on the TV.

 

Phil took a deep breath. “Dan, no one is forcing you to do anything you don’t want to do. Besides, we’ve talked about this. Our relationship is none of anybody’s business. This is between you and me, and we’ve both agreed that we’re not ready to share it with the public.

 

“Yeah, but Phil, what if I’m never ready? I mean, watching PINOF 1 today, I just don’t know what happened. I used to not give a shit about these things. I used to kiss you when I wanted to, we used to hold hands whenever we wanted to. We used to be so happy.”

 

“We are still happy. Just because our audience doesn’t know we’re together doesn’t mean we’re not happy. The people closest to us know, and that’s what matters. And Dan, you’ve been through so much. I don’t think you owe anyone, even me, a public coming out.”

 

Dan got up and opened the fridge door. He stared at its contents, not taking anything out. Finally, he closed the door and leaned against the fridge. “I can’t do this tour. I can’t deal with the fucking lies, booking separate fucking hotel rooms. I don’t want to sleep on separate beds, Phil. I want to sleep next to you.”

 

“Then we won’t book separate rooms. We’ll book one room, with a king size bed, just for the two of us.”

 

“What about the rest of the tour? All the lies?”

 

“Look, Dan, I really don’t think you should see it as lying. We have a right to a private life, and it’s our decision whether our audience knows about it or not. And if you’re not ready to share, that’s okay, because I’m not either. We’ve both worked so hard on this tour - so many people have, and we’re probably never going to get a chance like this again. And Dan, I want to do this tour. I want to travel the world, I want to be on stage every night, make people laugh, and I want to do it next to you.”

 

Phil stood up and took Dan’s hand in his. He slowly started backing up, dragging Dan along with him. Dan looked mildly confused, but still complied.

 

“Earlier today, when we were filming, you wanted to know why I tackled you in the first PINOF?” Phil kept backing up.

 

Dan shook his head. “Look, just - I don’t know why I asked you that in the video. That was stupid. I didn’t know what else to say. Just forget it, it doesn’t matter.”

 

“Of course it does. That tackle is going down in YouTube history. You should at least know why it happened.”

 

“Wasn’t it just because you were being random lol xd?”

 

“Nope.” Phil had now pulled Dan into his bedroom. His blue and green duvet was wrinkled and crooked from sleep. Phil sat Dan down on the edge of his bed, and looked him in the eye.

 

“Dan, I did it because I was in love with you. When we first met, I couldn’t keep my hands off of you. Part of that was because I was so attracted to you, but another part of it was also because I had to keep on reminding myself that you were _real_. You were real, and you were standing next to me, and I could talk to you and touch you and hold you and I just couldn’t believe it. I did it because I was in love with you, and guess what?

 

“What?”

 

“I still am.”

 

Phil jumped on Dan and tackled him, knocking him on his back.

 


End file.
